“Unvarnished” (my journal 11/6/16)

Dear Lord,

How beautiful that you would love my unvarnished heart!! I have worked very hard this week to polish my writing pieces for my website.  Last night, when Jake told me the pieces were “very good,” but that my journal entries were “the best,” I was hurt.  I worked so hard to be professional.  “I cannot work any harder,” I told you this morning.  I felt angry, at you Lord and him.  And then this morning I looked at my journal and thought– how beautiful that my husband would love the raw unpolished me, more than the polished me.  How beautiful that God would love my real, unvarnished self that pours out to him.  I realized I need to take my own medicine, my “wounds from a friend can be trusted” medicine.  To see how God and my husband are telling me a truth I need to see, how beautiful that God would love the real me.  “While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8

I feel God is calling me to post my journal entries on my website, I just don’t know how.  I fight it.  I want to revise, perfect and edit.  It is hard to be weak and trust his power, but it is his way.  And I must learn it.  Please show me how to do it Lord.

Jonah was mad enough to die that God was merciful to Nineveh’s sinners and removed the comfortable shade tree he was under (Jonah chapter 4).  I was mad last night that God was wanting me to remove something that I am comfortable with, my editing that hides my imperfections and makes me seem more amazing and less sinful.  But, God loves sinners.  God has mercy on sinners.  He does not like Pharisees, who create and follow a bunch of rules to look good.  This is who God is.   And his ways are right.  I must accept how he does things.  He is Lord.  And he is good!  See how good he is, “don’t spiff up for me,” “give me the real you.”

Last night I felt a “bitter root” going down in my heart, a bitter root that I will never be able to do “great.”  But this morning that root was pulled up by the Lord.  And I am so glad.  His yoke is easy, and his burden is light, and I must quit wanting to have my own way.  Now I have peace, because that is what being loved for who you are brings.  Thank you Lord.  And please help me to share this love.

I really feel like the Lord is saying to me, you can be a professional if you want, or you can be effective.  In being a “professional” I was trying to keep my own voice out of my writing, and have T. Keller’s voice or my Bible study leader’s voice, a more rational, and measured voice.  But the Lord told me “You have a voice” little bird.  Sing your song.  Use your voice.  (Like my friend Lola who writes, it would be sad if she tried to have a “professional” voice.  She is a refreshing young bird, singing in her accent.  That’s what it is, one true message- different accents.  Peace.)

Back to my life verse -> “See I am doing a new thing.  Now it springs up.  Do you not perceive it??”  (Isaiah 43:19)

I have been working on my writing about Nathanael (John 1:46) and realized that I was being like him (prejudiced about how God would show up).  Wow.  It’s amazing to me that I think I can so clearly understand what God is doing or not doing and then He blows me away by showing me that He is the best story writer and that His paths are “beyond tracing out”  -but He gives me a glimpse and I am amazed how He shows me once again “my eye is on you sparrow.”  “Trust me!”

Lord, I repent.  You are God, your ways are better, and higher, and my ways are small.  I really do see through the glass so dimly.  Thank you for what you have shown me today.  I worship you.  You are a Divine Weaver of Wonders.